I don’t want to write anything about how I feel, but someone pushed me to. It might not be bad at all to write this??

However, I’m still afraid of what could be the outcome. [This is going to be a long story, but I’ll try to make it shorter]

At a very young age, I saw the reality of parenting and relationships. I was the one who caught my father cheating. That innocence of mine went away and I got confused about my life. 

These fairy tales of happily ever after only works for others, but not to my family. I love my parents… and when I was about to choose which side am I going to spend the rest of my life – I choose my mom. I saw how many times she attempts to kill herself while raising us. [I was just 7 years old at that time].

I saw how it breaks the heart of my brother and sister, knowing that most of the adult thinks that children will not understand this kind of matter. BUT THEY DO, WE DO. I had to be strong at times my mother cry, throw anything that would make her remember my father, and when she can’t pull herself up.

When my father abandoned us, there was this feeling inside of me that I want to release for a very long time [I can’t explain, I don’t know if it is anger or eagerness to know why!??]. After 10 or 11 years he visited us, I don’t know what to react, instead, I keep quiet and don’t look at him all day. BUT when he kissed me on my forehead, a tear drops in my eyes [I silently cry].

I was never been honest about how I feel, being strong outside, showing my smile and living alone is my defense mechanism.

I’ve never shown it to my mom that I’m weak [that I’m crying for help]. Every time we fight, it breaks my heart. I felt like I’m a bad person. I always make sure to get good grades, awards from extracurricular activities and do household chores to make her happy [but it was not enough]. I always show that IDGAF, even if I saw how she treated me vs how she treated my brother and sister [there’s a big difference].

I always ask God as to why? Maybe because I’ve done mistakes that she would never forget. 

It was never easy…. I get part-time jobs, swallow my pride and ask for help financially, I almost get to not graduate from college. [I feel consumed] Expectations were always slapping my face that I must be the person that they can rely on and what would they think of. 

I must hold back my tears and cry when I’m alone.

Whenever my friends ask me about what’s happening in my life, I always told them the same answer, that I’m fine, I’ll get through this; that everything that is happening to me is normal.

Through the years, that hole inside of me grows that I don’t understand anymore if I am ME or another person already. I’ve hurt people because of lying. I moved on like nothing happened. 

I try to give my all to my family and friends to cover up the things that are going on inside of me. I always put in a joke that I’m almost done [but I was].